Saturday, January 18, 2003

Dickie's

I really think they should bring them back. Personally, there's nothing like wearing a dickie with some red leather chaps.
Barf

I jsut watched my 50 year old aunt and her 55 year old boyfriend feed each other chocolate strawberries. Excuse me while I go hurl.
Hogs

Hogs, hogs, hogs, hogs, hogs, hogs, hogs, hogs, hogs, hogs, hogs, hogs, hogs.

Wednesday, January 08, 2003

Patsy

There is this girl at work that apparently doesn't like me. Hmmmm....now what do I make of that one? Hmmm....absolutely nothing. Hmmm.....
Chris

If you are reading this I want you to know that you are the best and I can't wait to see your bum!
Yes, it's been awhile

Why you ask has it been so long since I have updated my blog? Well, mainly it's because I have had no reason to be malcontent lately. Why you ask again? Well, it's because of one Petunia, aka Chris. Go ahead and barf everyone out there! I hope I gross you out, he's fabulous, wonderful and funny and he talks about poo and nasty stuff with me! Yum!

Tuesday, December 24, 2002

Injury
I am the malcontents sister. She won't admit that today she suffered a massive groin injury, groin injury, g-g-g-g groin injury.
My father is from another planet
It's called Uranus.
Sometimes my head itches
I suppose it has to do with me not washing it often enough. Oh well.
Fatty McButter Pants
My brother's cat is the size of a watermelon, with this wee little cue ball head. His name is Spanky, but I like to call him Fatty McButter Pants.
I'm still pissed off a Killjoy
I keep picturing him imploding into little bits of floating crap.
Clowns
I'm a clown, I'm a sad clown!
What A Dick
Well, Killjoy has struck again. We have been trying to play some Xmas music, as this is the eve before Xmas, and ass hole keeps complaining about the volume of the music. I'll give him some music, I'll shove the tape deck right up his fucking unmerry ass!
Mr Deeds
If I ever see that movie, you have my permission to give me a frontal lobotomy.
I am fatigued
I am tempted to pull a George Castanza and take a nap under my desk.
Capes
I have always wanted a cape so that I may swirl it about me in great big, expansive gestures, with it billowing out and around me as I move with silken catlike grace.
Annoying Man
There is this guy I work with who is probably the BIGGEST KILLJOY on the face of the planet. Not only does he insist on ruining everyone's good time but he spies on us as well and reports back to the manager. I hope he gets a scorching case of fungus on his crotch.

Saturday, December 14, 2002

List of things I hate
1. Most people
2. Dumb people
3. Ignorant people
4. People that don't know how to merge into traffic
5. People that walk too slow in the mall
6. People that have no sense of humor
7. Jennifer Love Hewitt and any boy band
Anna Nicole Smith
She's just fat.
Dirty Clothes
If you sniff the pits and it's okay, is it still good to wear? What about socks? Sometimes they're still sweaty and when I put them on I get a really itchy rash. Perhaps if I wasn't so lazy and I actually did my laundry more than once a month a wouldn't have such a problem. Luckly, I have at least 50 pair of underwear to my name, so no need to worry on that part.
500 Channels
And not a thing to watch. You think with over that many channels I would be able to find something entertaining on. Instead, I ended up switching to a channel that discussed wax statues. Hmmmm...

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

More Poetry By A Malcontent

An Ode to Dawson's Forehead:

There once was a giant cranium
I saw it weekly ad nauseum
It made me sick
Cause the dialogue was unrealistic
So I decided to give myself a barium

A Man, A Suit, An Afro and A Dream
"Believe it or not,
I'm walking on air,
I never thought I could feel so free,
Flying away on a wing and a prayer,
Who could it be?
Believe it or not, it's just me..."
Christina Aguilera
That girl is the most worn out looking, abused and rank looking twenty year old I have ever seen. She makes Heidi Fleiss look wholesome.
Facts of Life
"You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have, The Facts of Life."

Flapping Buttcheeks
That's what I call people that won't shut the hell up.
Barnacles
I wish I was one, so in the meantime I do a pretty darn good imitation of one. Just ask, I'll show you.
Cigarettes
I gotta love em. I'm an angry person so it is natural that I need a nasty crutch.
There Are Some Days When I Really Hate the World
Come on, you know what I'm talking about. Those days where you wish that everyone would just spontaneously explode and leave you alone? And of course those are the days when everyone seems to feel your emanating hatred and they talk to you twice as much as other days? I guess there is a lot to be said about the deep and inner meaning of the Calgon commercials.

Monday, December 02, 2002

I Hate Mimes
They not only are useless but they are about as exciting to watch as taking a dump.
Drivers Down South
I have just recently moved to the Southeast. In my short time here I have noticed that all drivers down here SUCK BIG BALLS. They are the most annoying creatures ever to grace the earth. I hate them with an intense passion. Why you ask? Because not one of them can drive in the rain.

Thursday, November 28, 2002

More Celebrity Ravings
1. Leonardo Dicaprio has a HUGE cranium
2. James Van Der Beek, or however you spell his fucked up last name, has the biggest forehead I have ever seen on a human. That baby must be at least 4 to 5 inches in
length. For the love of GOD grow some bangs! I even call that horrendus crap he stars in and calls a show "Dawson's Forehead"
3. Miss Cleo sure had a kickin' accent
4. Powder is one scary movie
5. Moulin Rouge makes me want to yack (and I've never even seen it, never will)
6. Molly Ringwald should make a comeback in a sequel to Fresh Horses. It can be called Old Nags


Shocking News!
I was just informed by my brother, who is watching me type my blog, that I am insane. I am not insane, merely an unrecognized genius. Well...I have to be pretty darn smart if I graduated from law school. Hmm...or maybe not. Anyway, I'm a genius dammit!
Jennifer Love Hewitt
She may be good looking but I don't care (cause I'm a girl and I don't go that way), she is just way too freaking annoying. Drop the Love from your name you freak. Stop the press! I was just informed that for awhile she wanted to be called just "Love". Need I say more? I hope she drops off the face of the planet and my tv set and I never have to see her again.
Poetry by a Malcontent
There once was a zit on my rectus
That I squeezed and and made a mess with
I then took a dump and wiped my rump
And had a pus and fecal sandwich.
Pure Genius
Is Andy Dick. That man makes me laugh until I do mess my pants.
Jay Leno Sucks
The day he makes me laugh, and I mean an actual honest to goodness belly laugh, is the day I mess my own pants. He's just not funny.
Teeth
I admit it, I have a sick fascination with other people's teeth. Why you ask? Well, nothing grosses me out more than a nasty set of mandibles. I mean really, if you were graced with a nasty and foul set of crooked teeth the LEAST you could do is put aside a dollar every week to get those babies fixed. Missing teeth, overbites, crooked teeth, it's no excuse! I have even seen payment plans where you only have to pay ten dollars a week for braces, so money should not be an issue. And if you still try to claim poverty....TOUGH! Save up that money and get your freaking teeth fixed! It's just plain gross and unattractive and it makes you look like an inbred science experiment gone haywire.
More On Celebs
Richard Simmons gives me nightmares. That man cries more water in one day than I piss urine in a year.
My Experiments
During the course of my youth, or shall we say in the folly of my youth (although I'm still in my youth), I have tried various things. I lived in Europe for awhile and while there, I believed myself to have the perfect platform from which to express myself. So....I grew out my armpit hair. There are many reasons why I chose to do that:

1. I wanted to see how hairy and thick a patch I could grow
2. I wondered how offensive my odour could become
3. I couldn't bend over in my freaking little European crap shower
4. And lastly, I just couldn't afford to buy the razors and shaving cream

So, my experiment began. A nice, thick soft patch appeared under each arm. And I started to smell more potent. In the end, my Mom came to visit and just couldn't stand the smell of me and made me take a shower and shave at the hotel she was staying at. However, while the hair was there it was oddly arousing and vile at the same time. I suggest you too should try it.
The One Celebrity Who Doesn't Fit the Bill
Because he's just so darn hot. Joaquin Phoenix. Tasty!
Back to Celebrities
Why is it that they just keep giving themselves awards? And why do they act like they have accomplished this great feat when they do win one? Wow, it must be so hard to pretend to be someone else for a moment. What talent, really. Why don't you go cure cancer or something before you put your great big fat face on my tv screen and act like you've really done something. And the crying! Go blow yourself. Why don't you go get a real job and then you'll have something to cry about. Like me.
Hogs
What a great name for the penile appendage. May I suggest we all use it in the future when making reference to the male love pump.
Celebrities
I have decided that my blog will contain various and sundry facts and insults about our celebrity world. Hmmm....now, who shall I begin with? It is so hard to choose just one to focus on. Normally, I start making fun of one celebrity and then I quickly tailspin out of control as one after another celeb pops into my head and I have to CRUSH THEM!

For instance....Michael Douglas. I was just talking the other night about the decrepit old man. Granted, he has had enough plastic surgery to give him the facial skin of a 3 year old's ass however, he is married to probably one of the best looking women in the world. WHAT IS SHE THINKING! He's an old fart and she's gorgeous! I mean, really, if he has had to fix is face so many times I don't even want to begin to contemplate what his balls must look like! EEGAD!

Anyway, I rant.
One Good Song
This song rocks. Below are the deep and meaningful lyrics.

Brooms, brooms, brooms, brooms
What are they for?
What are they for?
Sweeping, sweeping, sweeping, sweeping
The floors!
The floors!

You can even jazz it up by doing your own hand movements.
What A Malcontent Does:
1. Smoke (cigs)
2. Swear
3. Swear some more
4. Make fun and/or complain about everything
5. Smoke some more (cigs)
6. Wear lots of dark brooding colors
7. Read broody books
8. Smoke some more
Woman Poop Too!
Okay, here's the deal...I lived with this guy for three years and in those three years he never let me discuss my bowels. That meant if I had to take a big giant dump because I was sick, I had to pretend that nothing was wrong. What's with that? I have a butthole and stuff at times is gonna come out of it and at times it's going to be quite nasty, even smell! To all the men out there that like to think of their women as soft and sweet smelling....GET OVER IT! Women have the same messy shits as you.
People who need people are the luckiest people
The Golden Girls
Have you ever noticed that Bea Arthur looks like a man? I have actually had nightmares where I have turned into her as an old lady. And why does she always wear the ugliest man clothes on the show? She's either hiding a really heinous body, or she's a MAN!