Thursday, November 28, 2002

More Celebrity Ravings
1. Leonardo Dicaprio has a HUGE cranium
2. James Van Der Beek, or however you spell his fucked up last name, has the biggest forehead I have ever seen on a human. That baby must be at least 4 to 5 inches in
length. For the love of GOD grow some bangs! I even call that horrendus crap he stars in and calls a show "Dawson's Forehead"
3. Miss Cleo sure had a kickin' accent
4. Powder is one scary movie
5. Moulin Rouge makes me want to yack (and I've never even seen it, never will)
6. Molly Ringwald should make a comeback in a sequel to Fresh Horses. It can be called Old Nags


Shocking News!
I was just informed by my brother, who is watching me type my blog, that I am insane. I am not insane, merely an unrecognized genius. Well...I have to be pretty darn smart if I graduated from law school. Hmm...or maybe not. Anyway, I'm a genius dammit!
Jennifer Love Hewitt
She may be good looking but I don't care (cause I'm a girl and I don't go that way), she is just way too freaking annoying. Drop the Love from your name you freak. Stop the press! I was just informed that for awhile she wanted to be called just "Love". Need I say more? I hope she drops off the face of the planet and my tv set and I never have to see her again.
Poetry by a Malcontent
There once was a zit on my rectus
That I squeezed and and made a mess with
I then took a dump and wiped my rump
And had a pus and fecal sandwich.
Pure Genius
Is Andy Dick. That man makes me laugh until I do mess my pants.
Jay Leno Sucks
The day he makes me laugh, and I mean an actual honest to goodness belly laugh, is the day I mess my own pants. He's just not funny.
Teeth
I admit it, I have a sick fascination with other people's teeth. Why you ask? Well, nothing grosses me out more than a nasty set of mandibles. I mean really, if you were graced with a nasty and foul set of crooked teeth the LEAST you could do is put aside a dollar every week to get those babies fixed. Missing teeth, overbites, crooked teeth, it's no excuse! I have even seen payment plans where you only have to pay ten dollars a week for braces, so money should not be an issue. And if you still try to claim poverty....TOUGH! Save up that money and get your freaking teeth fixed! It's just plain gross and unattractive and it makes you look like an inbred science experiment gone haywire.
More On Celebs
Richard Simmons gives me nightmares. That man cries more water in one day than I piss urine in a year.
My Experiments
During the course of my youth, or shall we say in the folly of my youth (although I'm still in my youth), I have tried various things. I lived in Europe for awhile and while there, I believed myself to have the perfect platform from which to express myself. So....I grew out my armpit hair. There are many reasons why I chose to do that:

1. I wanted to see how hairy and thick a patch I could grow
2. I wondered how offensive my odour could become
3. I couldn't bend over in my freaking little European crap shower
4. And lastly, I just couldn't afford to buy the razors and shaving cream

So, my experiment began. A nice, thick soft patch appeared under each arm. And I started to smell more potent. In the end, my Mom came to visit and just couldn't stand the smell of me and made me take a shower and shave at the hotel she was staying at. However, while the hair was there it was oddly arousing and vile at the same time. I suggest you too should try it.
The One Celebrity Who Doesn't Fit the Bill
Because he's just so darn hot. Joaquin Phoenix. Tasty!
Back to Celebrities
Why is it that they just keep giving themselves awards? And why do they act like they have accomplished this great feat when they do win one? Wow, it must be so hard to pretend to be someone else for a moment. What talent, really. Why don't you go cure cancer or something before you put your great big fat face on my tv screen and act like you've really done something. And the crying! Go blow yourself. Why don't you go get a real job and then you'll have something to cry about. Like me.
Hogs
What a great name for the penile appendage. May I suggest we all use it in the future when making reference to the male love pump.
Celebrities
I have decided that my blog will contain various and sundry facts and insults about our celebrity world. Hmmm....now, who shall I begin with? It is so hard to choose just one to focus on. Normally, I start making fun of one celebrity and then I quickly tailspin out of control as one after another celeb pops into my head and I have to CRUSH THEM!

For instance....Michael Douglas. I was just talking the other night about the decrepit old man. Granted, he has had enough plastic surgery to give him the facial skin of a 3 year old's ass however, he is married to probably one of the best looking women in the world. WHAT IS SHE THINKING! He's an old fart and she's gorgeous! I mean, really, if he has had to fix is face so many times I don't even want to begin to contemplate what his balls must look like! EEGAD!

Anyway, I rant.
One Good Song
This song rocks. Below are the deep and meaningful lyrics.

Brooms, brooms, brooms, brooms
What are they for?
What are they for?
Sweeping, sweeping, sweeping, sweeping
The floors!
The floors!

You can even jazz it up by doing your own hand movements.
What A Malcontent Does:
1. Smoke (cigs)
2. Swear
3. Swear some more
4. Make fun and/or complain about everything
5. Smoke some more (cigs)
6. Wear lots of dark brooding colors
7. Read broody books
8. Smoke some more
Woman Poop Too!
Okay, here's the deal...I lived with this guy for three years and in those three years he never let me discuss my bowels. That meant if I had to take a big giant dump because I was sick, I had to pretend that nothing was wrong. What's with that? I have a butthole and stuff at times is gonna come out of it and at times it's going to be quite nasty, even smell! To all the men out there that like to think of their women as soft and sweet smelling....GET OVER IT! Women have the same messy shits as you.
People who need people are the luckiest people
The Golden Girls
Have you ever noticed that Bea Arthur looks like a man? I have actually had nightmares where I have turned into her as an old lady. And why does she always wear the ugliest man clothes on the show? She's either hiding a really heinous body, or she's a MAN!